A Story of Triumph Over Pain, Bitterness and Anger

“It’s an amazing opportunity when unfair things happen in our lives, because the Lord can be glorified. He is a good God who wants to heal the world, and He is the only true Healer.”

First as a child, then as a new Christian, and later as a pastor’s wife, a young woman tried to forget the pain too deep for words … until she turned it over to God.

Tammy Brown, wife of Pastor Rick Brown, CC Idaho Falls, ID, sobbed uncontrollably at the kitchen table as Rick wrapped his arms around her. This was the first time that she had unlocked 20 years’ worth of memories from her secret past.

“Every night for years I would watch passing car lights creep past my window. I would lay there and wonder if my uncle was coming to get me, or even kill me,” Tammy said. “I lay in bed at the age of seven, scared to fall asleep, and planned over and over how I would tell my mom about my secret.

“But my planning was always stopped by the haunting words of my uncle: ‘I’ll kill your parents if you ever tell. If they find out what a dirty little girl you are they’ll be so ashamed of you.’ I was silenced by shame and fear. Each time my uncle would come near me I would run as fast as I could from him thinking, Get away from me!

“From that moment, I tried to forget those unspeakable memories. First as a child, then as a new Christian, and later as a pastor’s wife, I tried to forget the pain, but the memories kept me angry and bitter. As I recalled the repeated sexual abuse by my uncle and his sons, and later being date-raped as a teenager, I was kept prisoner to my past. I was good at keeping the memories a secret.”

But abuses and secrets left deposits on her heart which were not easily removed. Tammy’s future husband, Rick, led her to Christ during her senior year of high school. She hoped that becoming a Christian, and later being involved in her husband’s ministry, would take away her crippling insecurities, bitterness, and shame. It didn’t work.

“I would sing songs about how God heals, but they were empty words because I’d never experienced it,” she said.

Now 42 years old, Tammy is thankful that those ugly deposits are gone after God tenderly led her on a journey of healing and forgiveness. Tammy described herself as “a self-destructive woman going nowhere in life.”